First off, I did not write the following bounty hunter job description, I wish like hell I could remember who did… I do remember that I copied it from a Facebook post several months ago intending to publish it with the author’s blessing. If you wrote it, please let me know and I’ll gladly give you full credit for what definitely had me laughing so hard I was crying and barely able to breathe.
You, sir, are a fucking genius.
I won’t lie, Dear Reader, as bad as the following bounty hunter job description may sound – and it is 100% accurate – I truly miss my bail enforcement days in many, many ways. I had so much fun, enjoyed the travel, LOVED the adrenaline and felt a deep sense of purpose that came from helping others, being kind when I was able and making great money!
Of course, with the current legal and tortious climate we are enduring in the United States right now, I’m also glad that I retired when I did (October 2012). I’m still alive, a bail fugitive or bondsman never sued me, I was never arrested and the business is in my rearview mirror now.
My favorite bounty hunter job EVER:
Bounty Hunter Wanted
Exciting job! 19 hour days, on call 365 days a year 24 hours a day and we will publicize your phone number in the criminal community.
Must be able to sit in one spot still for 8 or more hours without a bathroom and also sprint with no notice and outrun college kids on speed.
You pay all expenses and we will pay for each successful case…most of the time.
You will drive about a hundred thousand miles a year, sleep in your car, sleep on the ground, sleep if you are lucky.
Our most promising shifts are any holiday and weekends.
You will be taught to use multiple weapon systems and then programmed to be terrified of using them. Fulfilling work assisting public safety agencies that will be indifferent or hostile to you in return.
Every day is different! You will never know if the next thirty seconds will be success or a waste of time or end with somebody trying to kill you.
Meet lots of new people. Most are on drugs, many hate you, all of them lie to you and your job is simple in the customer relations dept. Simply overcome every negative experience they have ever had, be completely understanding and compassionate, and make them do what they don’t want to. Some days you will suddenly find yourself spending hours with mentally unstable persons tripping balls and no warning.
They will often be suicidal and crying and the corresponding government agency that requests their presence will do anything to not take them. You work hand in hand with law enforcement… while they mostly look at you in puzzled curiosity trying not to ask questions and contemplating how to bow out.
You will take pride on achieving high standards. Mistakes here mean you lose a paycheck and pay out of pocket, too, get injured, or maybe go to jail. You must pay for a number of licenses and pay for insurance, but your career will be over if there is ever a claim. There is no uniform, but you need to figure out how to carry a gun, less lethal weapons, handcuffs, flashlight, and much more on your belt without anyone noticing for up to 24 hours at least.
Be good with kids. You will meet lots of sweet kids. They will be dirty and out of school playing with broken toys around drunk drugged out zombie like parents. You must be prepared to make their parents and grandparents cry and take family away from them maybe forever, but it’s so sweet when they still wave goodbye with all knowing you will be back for them when they are eighteen.
Cannot list all the benefits here.
Qualified applicant has clean criminal history and gets along great with criminals, knows a lot about pretty much everything and works to keep learning more, has good idea of streets and locations pretty much everywhere, is bilingual, never gets sick, doesn’t have any prior commitments or need a set schedule, is calm when being threatened or cussed or screamed at and identified as satan.
Some work environments will contain hazmat, infectious disease, boobie traps, and unsightly naked people. But we never know which.
Some days are super rewarding for about 15 minutes, but the tradeoff is going home knowing you don’t get paid when it is not.
Oh yeah! Good for animal lovers. If you don’t mind getting bitten by a Rottweiler occasionally you are rewarded by getting to pet and play with guard dogs that barely trust you for sometimes an entire day while the clients pretend to not be home.
For other benefits and requirements please inquire.
Please note that literally thousands of people have told me they want this position and more than that have informed me at parties and social gatherings that they would be great at it so the competition will be stiff.
My absolute best to all of my brothers and sisters who are out there day in and day out keeping so many of us safe and ensuring that the gears of justice continue to turn even when a defendant decides not to have his day in court and skips bail.
So, what do YOU think about this bounty hunter job description? If you are a veteran, does any of this ring true with you, too? If you are new or wanting to become a bounty hunter does it put you off in any way? Leave me a comment below.